Wednesday, June 18, 2008

Attack Koalas from Mars

I'm sure we've been invaded by aliens. They're using some kind of cloaking device, because you don't see them, but you know they're there. To begin with, someTHING disabled the doorbell. That kind of thing doesn't just happen by itself, so you KNOW there was alien involvement. Then ... the weather has been even stranger than usual. The skies are low and brooding, but it won't rain. Can't rain. Like something out of a Stephen King novel.

And how else do you explain the gradual disappearance of all your ballpoints, and your pencil sharpener? I swear, I can't find a pen that works, and as for my pencils, you could feel confident about poking yourself in both eyes with them.

Further evidence of alien invasion: the telescope is missing. I mean, it's GONE. Now, what little nieghborhood ratbag would come creeping into a person's backyard and take the telescope? So you KNOW it's nothing to do with nasty little neighborhood thieves, because rotten little local brats wouldn't have a use for a precision scientific instrument, and the only possible culprits are --


I mean, nothing else makes sense. It has to be aliens, and I've got a sneaking suspicion I know who they are, and where they come from.

Several years ago, a subterranean race from our neighboring planet, Mars, became disenchanted with living in caves, and salivating over the earth. They began to suck our space probes out of the sky before we could get data from them; they reverse engineered them, and developed both the technology to invade the planet Earth, and to build television receivers, via which they have been monitoring us. And kids, we're in deep doodoo.

They've seen ALIEN V. PREDATOR, and HOGAN'S HEROES, and SKIPPY THE BUSH KANGAROO, and the American Presidential Election broadcasts. They know us. Intimately. And we are wading in it ... they figure we deserve everything we get, and they have been among us, dishing it out, for a while now.

They purloined the telesocope because they're having mechanical problems (the Earth's atmosphere is denser and wetter than they imagined); the same proess of atrophy has taken out their automatic writing devices, so they crept in here under cover of their cloaking gadgets, and every pen and sharp pencil, not to mention the pencil sharpener, followed the telescope. (Damnit, I'm PO'd about that telescope).

Worst of all, they've stopped the rain, to prevent any more of their delicate mechanisms from going bung...

But they've been sussed. I've seen them. They were lurking in the trees the other night, and they look like KOALAS. Now I don't imagine subterranean creatures from Mars really look like koalas, but it doesn't take much brainpower or savvy to work this one out.

Having steeped themselves in multiple seasons of SKIPPY, they figure they'll use their cloking devices to make themselves look like koalas, to lull the humans into a false sense of security while we get robbed blind and invaded. It makes perfect sense ... and their plan is progressing with marrow-chilling ease.

NORAD knows nothing about this! The armed forces are not even on coffee-break standby, let alone a full alert. The leaders of nations are blithely going about their idiotic business, while the aliens are among us, the invasion is happening, and the evidence is concrete and terrible!

Tonight, we arm ourselves and WE will be on alert, even if the armed forces are asleep. Cricket bats to the fore, we will stand guard upon the premises.

Further reports in due course.

1 comment:

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